The "self-esteem" trap

A professor at San Diego State has discovered that today’s college students are more self-centered and full of themselves than previous generations. Professor Jean Twenge gave kids a test for “narcissism” – that means basically that you think you’re all that and a bag of chips and nobody else is important. Two-thirds rated high on that scale, compared to only one-third in the ‘80s.
What's the problem?
The researchers—Tweng and Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia, say this is a problem because people who are narcissistic "are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit game-playing, dishonesty, and over-controlling and violent behaviors."
They blame efforts to promote kids’ “self-esteem.” For example, they quote a song they say is commonly sung to the tune of "Frere Jacques" in preschool: "I am special, I am special. Look at me."
But we want kids to feel secure and confident, right?
I think the problem is that our culture is so competitive and individualistic that we don’t know how to feel good about ourselves without feeling that we are better than other people. We think those are the same thing.
Actually, they are opposite.
If our feeling of safety and confidence is based on rating higher than others, we are continually anxious, somewhere deep down, about the possibility that someone will come along and rate higher than us. That’s why the researchers describe narcissistic people as being so tightly wound.
There's an alternative!
There is another choice. Actually, it’s the ethic that has been traditional in early childhood education: Everyone is important. You can feel secure because you are loved, however you perform. Everyone’s contribution is valuable. We are all valuable because we are part of the human family, which is part of the larger family of all living things on earth.
I remember, after years of therapy, the moment I said to the shrink: “Now I understand that love is different from getting a high score.”
Different consequences
Now, if you are trying to make kids nervous enough so that they work hard to perform well on standardized tests and grow up to be the kinds of people who work long hours and do whatever they are told because they are desperate to make a lot of money and achieve high status, you won’t want that. You will want people to compete for the limited amount of “self-esteem” that comes from winning a scarce prize.
But if you want children to feel safe and confident enough to learn and explore, and to grow up treasuring and nurturing their relationships with other people, you’ll award prizes less, and hug and smile more.
Get this book!
Recently a children’s book called “Hooray for Me!” arrived in our office. At first I was disgusted, because of this narcissism thing. But because it was illustrated by Vera Williams, who I think is great, I looked at it. And I was delighted to see that expresses exactly the values I think we should be teaching kids.
Who’s “me?” the book asks. And a picture shows dozens of houses with kids in them, each saying, “I’m me!’ “I’m me too!” “Me too!” etc.
Then the book asks: “What kind of me are you?” (Uh-oh, I thought. Here comes “the fastest runner,” “the best singer,” etc.)
But the answer was all about relationships: daughter, nephew, half-sister, friend, etc.
And they elaborate: “I am my baby brother’s sister.” I am my mother and father’s son.” All the way to “I am a great-grand-kitten.”
The book ends with a poem that concludes: “Hooray for us! Whatever we be. Hooray for you, Hooray for me.”
By Remy Charlip and Lilian Moore, illustrated, as I said, by Vera B. Williams, Tricycle Press.
Run out and get it!